i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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