What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
