omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
