It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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