I should be sponsored by Trojan
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
