I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
