My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
