At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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