I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
