sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
