at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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