Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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