I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
