She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize