Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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