So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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