Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
