I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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