there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
