I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
