I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
