He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize