Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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