break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
