saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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