I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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