when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
