Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
