oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
