Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
