Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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