I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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