My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
