oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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