Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
