I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
