She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
