I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
