There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
40s are totally the cure
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
