Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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