you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
