Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize