He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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