I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
