I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
