you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We are all done wearing pants today
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