I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
