boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
