he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
