my phone needs a breathalizer
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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