anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize