Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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