Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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