At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
