I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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