I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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