I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
