if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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