My friends, they love my intelligence
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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