U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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