at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
