Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
