I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
