i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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