Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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